Noch mal ein Text von Reddit:
We’ve been together for a year. We got back home from his sister’s wedding. I was already feeling off because I’ve been having eye allergies and my eyes were swollen and looked terrible so I felt self conscious
He was drunk and being ‚“honest“. We were taking about his porn use. He said he likes to watch it once a week. Then he said something about those women being objectively more beautiful than me, but he doesn’t get turned on because he loves me so much, he said he used to watch porn everyday when he was single and now he only watches it once a week.
Ein Kompliment, dass vielleicht in seinem besoffenen Kopf gut klang, aber schlecht angekommen ist.
Natürlich sind die meisten Frauen in Pornos hübscher als die durchschnittliche Frau, weil man dort eben hübsche Frauen sehen will. Das ist ähnlich wie in Hollywood.
Klar, er wollte gerade betonen, dass sie zwar schöner sind aber eben nicht, sie, dass sie ihm viel mehr bedeutet als die schönen Frauen etc.
Aber wesentliche Attraktivitätsmerkmale anderer Frauen zu betonen und anzuführen, dass man sie trotzdem liegt ist halt nicht unbedingt das geschickteste Kompliment. Was wäre das Äquivalent? Vermutlich wenn man einem Mann erzählt, dass man sonst immer mit erfolgreichen, sportlichen Statusmännern geschlafen hat, die viel attraktiver sind, aber jetzt noch viel seltener zu ihnen masturbiert, weil man ja ihn hat, auch wenn er weder so erfolgreich sind und auch nicht so attraktiv.
Es wird noch problematischer wenn:
I’m very insecure and have extreme self esteem issues.
Das macht aus meiner Sicht das Leben mit einer schönen Frau mit Selbstvertrauen so viel einfacher.
This just tipped me over the edge. I got angry, we got into a fight, and I packed my bags and left. We just came back from a wedding where there were lots of beautiful women, my insecurity about how I looked and his statement, it just made everything so much worse. If it was any other day, I don’t think I would’ve cared.
I’m at my mum’s house and he thinks I’m overreacting and wants to make things work. I don’t know why but this has really bothered me. I’ve been in relationships before and they never said anything like that. I can’t wrap my head around why it bothered me so much but I don’t want to even look at him or talk to him, I feel disgusted and angry and I feel used.
Und Gefühle sind eben erst einmal wahr. Man kann sie nicht mit Logik angehen. Und das schlimme ist, dass man schlecht etwas sagen kann um das wirklich einzufangen, denn sie weiß ja, dass die anderen Frauen attraktiver sind.
Natürlich stellt sie sich an. Immerhin war er betrunken und letztendlich hat er es nett gemeint. Der Teil der sie stört, nämlich das sie nicht so hübsch wie die sehr hübschen Frauen ist, ist ja nicht seine schuld. Aber das hilft wenig, wenn sie das wollige Gefühl braucht, dass sie für ihn schön ist um mit ihrer Unsicherheit fertig zu werden.
He thinks I’m being narcisstic and arrogant, I understand why he thinks that but I don’t know. I just don’t like what he said, I know I’m not the most beautiful woman in the world, but I feel like my partner that loves me should think so, just like I think that about him. Im not ugly, and I believe I would be considered objectively attractive, which almost makes it worse? Because it’s like he’s intentionally trying to bring me down or something.
Es berührt eben ihre tiefe Unsicherheit nicht schön genug zu sein. Und sie hat ja nicht unrecht, dass das eine der Illusionen ist, die man in einer Beziehung aufrechterhalten sollte: Für mich bist du die Welt und ich finde dich wunderschön, sexuell ansprechend und ich liebe es mit dir Sex zu haben. Wobei viele Frauen das ja auch nicht in dem Sinne hinbekommen, wie Männer es gerne hätten.
I don’t even care about other men, it doesn’t phase me at all even if they’re „objectively more attractive“ I literally don’t even think about it. Even if I do, it’s so insignificant that I don’t even feel the need to bring it up. That’s why this has bothered me so much. Because he brought it up, why? Why does it even matter to tell me? I just want to know what other people think as I’m confused if I’m overreacting by leaving the relationship which he wants to try to make work.
Ich glaube, dass viele Frauen das in der Tat (im Schnitt) besser hinbekommen. Männer beantworten die Frage eher auf einer objektiven Ebene, auf der die schönere Frau für sie eben sexuell interessanter ist und sie es üblicherweise unabhängig von der Beziehung beantworten.
Für Frauen ist Sex insofern im Schnitt eher mit Beziehungen verbunden und sie würden insofern die Frage eher emotionaler beantworten.
Tl;dr: my boyfriend told me he thinks some women are more objectively attractive than me, but he doesn’t care. We got into a fight, I packed my bags and left. He doesn’t understand why and thinks I’m overreacting and that I’m being narcissistic for caring so much about such an insignificant statement. Am I overreacting?
Was er machen sollte angesichts der Unsicherheit seiner Frau um den Konflikt nicht weiter anzuheizen (wenn er die Beziehung fortsetzen will): Vermutlich einfach Schweigen und sich entschuldigen. Dann etwas Zeit vergehen lassen und ihr versichern, dass es der Alkohol war und man sie liebt. Das dann etwas als Mantra wiederholen, bis sie sich beruhigt hat. Bloß nicht weiter versuchen es zu erklären, das ist zu logisch.
Kurz was aus den Kommentaren herausgegriffen:
I mean yeah. There are for sure people who are objectively more attractive than you. And me. And probably anybody else is in this sub today.
But why does he feel the need to say it? It’s a pretty pointless and hurtful remark
Und
This is the thing, you know? Like, no I’m not so beautiful. But I get to decide who I spend my damn life with. And I would like to spend it with someone who would rather get drunk and make me feel good, like, I used to date this one guy who would drink and just say things like “god you’re so pretty, am I superficial or something? Geez” and like “oh man I’m so lucky to have you.” We broke up because of practical issues like, well he really didn’t want kids and I wanted to try.
Did that guy watch porn sometimes? Probably. But I never knew about it nor would I freaking want to. But deep down in his drunken core was he thankful for me and considered himself lucky to be with me? Yea. And THAT is all I needed to hear. And it felt good. It felt good to be with him. Sadly I have not found anyone else quite like that since. But it DOES exist, and it’s probably what should be the bare minimum.
Und:
But why does he feel the need to say it?
Because he was drunk and she decided to start an “honest” conversation about his porn watching.
She fucked around and found out, about a topic she has massive insecurities about.
Und:
I agree that was a pretty pointless and hurtful remark. But for me (without knowning all the details) its a clear Case of Misscommunication. She is angry because she thinks he does not find her beautiful and he is angry / feels Missunderstood because he feels like he Complimented her.
Und:
Why were they discussing his porn use in the first place? Of course there are objectively more beautiful people than the OP – might be at least half the population of her age, depending on her looks. That’s just a fact even though it can be considered a rude remark. Having a meltdown over it though? I’m not a fan of such behaviour.
I feel like op might be leaving something out of the story… Feels weird that the boyfriend would just blurt out such a comment out of nowhere.
Edit. Now that I read the the post again the OP really needs to work on her insecurities.
Und:
I do understand why some people would be hurt by this. It’s not a nice thing to hear someone say.
However, I personally have no idea why someone would want to hear they’re the most beautiful person in the world. When past boyfriends have said it, I’ve just laughed it off and thanked them for being so nice. It’s lovely that they want to say it, but you have to accept it’s not reality.
Alles Evolution 