Selbermach Mittwoch 36 (25.11.2015)

Mittwochsthemen bitte in den Kommentaren

„Sie wissen es nicht, weil sie es nicht erleben“

Eine feministische Frau stellt dar, wie sich Frauen täglich absichern. Ausgangsfrage ist, dass sie nicht versteht, wie Männer aber auch einige Frauen nicht verstehen können, worüber Frauen sich beklagen. Ihr Fazit ist, dass sie die täglichen Probleme von Frauen gar nicht mitbekommen. Sie schreibt:

They don’t know about de-escalation. Minimizing. Quietly acquiescing.

Also „sie wissen nicht über Deeskalation, herunterspielen und dulden“.

We have all learned, either by instinct or by trial and error, how to minimize a situation that makes us uncomfortable. How to avoid angering a man or endangering ourselves. We have all, on many occasions, ignored an offensive comment. We’ve all laughed off an inappropriate come-on. We’ve all swallowed our anger when being belittled or condescended to.

It doesn’t feel good. It feels icky. Dirty. But we do it because to not do it could put us in danger or get us fired or labeled a bitch. So we usually take the path of least precariousness.

It’s not something we talk about every day. We don’t tell our boyfriends and husbands and friends every time it happens. Because it is so frequent, so pervasive, that it has become something we just deal with.

So maybe they don’t know. Maybe they don’t know that at the tender age of 13 we had to brush off adult men staring at our breasts. Maybe they don’t know that men our dad’s ages actually came on to us while we were working the cash register. They probably don’t know that the guy in English class who asked us out sent angry messages just because we turned him down. They may not be aware that our supervisor regularly pats us on the ass. And they surely don’t know that most of the time we smile, with gritted teeth. That we look away or pretend not to notice. They likely have no idea how often these things happen. That these things have become routine. So expected that we hardly notice it anymore.

So routine that we go through the motions of ignoring it and minimizing. Not showing our suppressed anger and fear and frustration. A quick cursory smile or a clipped laugh will  allow us to continue with our day. We de-escalate. We minimize it. Both internally and externally, we minimize it. We have to. To not shrug it off would put is in confrontation mode more often than most of us feel like dealing with.

 

Irgendwie scheint sie zu meinen, dass Deeskalation ein rein weibliches Problem ist. Aber gerade in Beziehungen geben Männer eher nach, weil sie ihre Ruhe haben wollen, weichen eher aus, spielen Punkte herunter etc. Auch ansonsten spielen wir vieles herunter, den Ausschnitt der Frau, bei dem wir höflich nicht hinschauen, die Frau, die uns nur kennt, wenn sie etwas will, die finanziellen Lasten der Abzahlung des Hauses, das Schleppen schwerer Möbel etc.

We go through a quick mental checklist. Does he seem volatile, angry? Are there other people around? Does he seem reasonable and is just trying to be funny, albeit clueless? Will saying something impact my school/job/reputation?In a matter of seconds we determine whether we will say something or let it slide. Whether we’ll call him out or turn the other way, smile politely or pretend that we didn’t hear/see/feel it.

Das scheint mir auch ansonsten im Umgang mit Menschen nicht ungewöhnlich. Wir lachen auch über den schlechten Witz des Chefs, wir sind auch besorgt, ob unserer Ruf unter etwas leidet, etwa weil wir schwach waren oder eine Frau uns abgewiesen hat. Wir nehmen einiges hin, was andere sagen, etwa wenn sie einen blöden Witz machen: Wir haben uns hier allerdings auch ein dickeres Fell zugelegt und können mit solchen Sachen umgehen. Wer natürlich meint, dass ihn ein Witz gleich stark beeinträchtigt, der sieht sich sicherlich als deutlich bedrohter an.

It happens all the time. And it’s not always clear if the situation is dangerous or benign.

It is the boss who says or does something inappropriate. It is the customer who holds our tip out of reach until we lean over to hug him. It’s the male friend who has had too much to drink and tries to corner us for a “friends with benefits” moment even though we’ve made it clear we’re not interested. It’s the guy who gets angry if we turn him down for a date. Or a dance. Or a drink.

We see it happen to our friends. We see it happen in so many scenarios and instances that it becomes the norm. And we really don’t think anything of it. Until that one time that came close to being a dangerous situation. Until we hear that the “friend” who cornered us was accused of rape a day later. Until our boss makes good on his promise to kiss us on New Years Eve when he catches us alone in the kitchen. Those times stick out. They’re the ones we may tell your friends, our boyfriends, our husbands about.

But all the other times? All the times we felt uneasy or nervous but nothing more happened? Those times we just go about our business and don’t think twice about.

It’s the reality of being a woman in our world.

Ich kann mir gut vorstellen, dass Frauen in der Tat häufiger entsprechende Ängste haben. Denn Männer werden eben kaum angemacht. Allerdings verhalten sich eben auch die meisten Chefs vollkommen korrekt, die meisten Freunde ebenso, die wenigsten Bekannte werden am nächsten Tag der Vergewaltigung beschuldigt.

Ich würde eher sagen, dass die Anzahl von Frauen, die vollkommen naiv durchs leben gehen, wesentlich größer ist, weil sie ein sehr behütetes Leben geführt haben und ihnen bisher kaum etwas passiert ist. Sie mussten nicht überlegen, ob sie der betrunkene Kerl in der Bar verkloppt, weil man Frauen nicht schlägt, sie konnten weit aus schneller auf Hilfe hoffen, wenn sei welche brauchten, wenn es Probleme gab, dann fand sich häufig ein Mann, der bereit war ihnen bei der Lösung zu helfen und dabei Gentleman blieb.

It’s laughing off sexism because we felt we had no other option.

It’s feeling sick to your stomach that we had to “play along” to get along.

It’s feeling shame and regret the we didn’t call that guy out, the one who seemed intimidating but in hindsight was probably harmless. Probably.

It’s taking our phone out, finger poised over the “Call” button when we’re walking alone at night.

It’s positioning our keys between our fingers in case we need a weapon when walking to our car.

It’s lying and saying we have a boyfriend just so a guy would take “No” for an answer.

It’s being at a crowded bar/concert/insert any crowded event, and having to turn around to look for the jerk who just grabbed our ass.

It’s knowing that even if we spot him, we might not say anything.

It’s walking through the parking lot of a big box store and politely saying Hellowhen a guy passing us says Hi. It’s pretending not to hear as he berates us for not stopping to talk further. What? You too good to talk to me? You got a problem? Pffft… bitch.

It’s not telling our friends or our parents or our husbands because it’s just a matter of fact, a part of our lives.

It’s the memory that haunts us of that time we were abused, assaulted or raped.

It’s the stories our friends tell us through heartbreaking tears of that time they were abused, assaulted or raped.

It’s realizing that the dangers we perceive every time we have to choose to confront these situations aren’t in our imagination. Because we know too many women who have been abused, assaulted or raped.

It occurred to me recently that a lot of guys may be unaware of this. They have heard of things that happened, they have probably at times seen it and stepped in to stop it. But they likely have no idea how often it happens. That it colors much of what we say or do and how we do it.

Maybe we need to explain it better. Maybe we need to stop ignoring it to ourselves, minimizing it in our own minds.

Ich glaube gerade viele Feministinnen wären eher gut beraten es nicht über die Maßen aufzublähen. Denn die meisten Situationen sind eher vollkommen harmlos und das man in ihnen unsicher war, weil sie schlimm enden konnten, ist eher unbegründete Angst.

Ich würde zustimmen, dass sich Frauen für bestimmte Situationen eher als Männer Routinen zulegen müssen. Aber das an sich ist nicht per se ein unvorstellbares Grauen. Und viele Situationen haben eben gute und schlechte Seiten: Ja, man muss häufiger Typen loswerden. Ja, dafür sprechen einen auch interessante Menschen an, ohne das man dafür groß etwas machen muss.

Guys, this is what it means to be a woman. We are sexualized before we even understand what that means. We develop into women while our minds are still innocent. We get stares and comments before we can even drive. From adult men. We feel uncomfortable but don’t know what to do, so we go about our lives. We learn at an early age, that to confront every situation that makes us squirm is to possibly put ourselves in danger. We are aware that we are the smaller, physically weaker sex. That boys and men are capable of overpowering us if they choose to. So we minimize and we de-escalate.

So, the next time a woman talks about being cat-called and how it makes her uncomfortable, don’t dismiss her. Listen.

The next time your wife complains about being called “Sweetheart” at work, don’t shrug in apathy. Listen.

The next time you read about or hear a woman call out sexist language, don’t belittle her for doing so. Listen.

The next time your girlfriend tells you that the way a guy talked to her made her feel uncomfortable, don’t shrug it off. Listen.

Listen because your reality is not the same as hers.

Listen because her concerns are valid and not exaggerated or inflated.

Listen because the reality is that she or someone she knows personally has at some point been abused, assaulted, or raped. And she knows that it’s always a danger of happening to her.

Listen because even a simple comment from a strange man can send ripples of fear through her.

Listen because she may be trying to make her experience not be the experience of her daughters.

Listen because nothing bad can ever come from listening.

Würde mich interessieren, ob man entsprechende Listen auch für Männer aufstellen könnte. Hat jemand ein paar Vorschläge? Wobei eine solche Unterdrückungsolympiade ja eigentlich nichts bringt.

Und natürlich kann man solche Ängste auch übertreiben. Etwa in dem man das tägliche Leben einer Frau als reinen Spiesrutenlauf darstellt.