Eine Feministin beschreibt, was sie an patriarchalen Männern gut findet

Diana Bruk, die anscheinend auch Gender Studies studiert hat, schildert ihre Hassliebe zu russischen Männern.

Es beginnt mit der Schilderung, wie sich ihr russischer Freund mit einem anderen Mann schlägt, weil dieser den Arm in einer Bar um sie gelegt hat:

Only a few minutes ago, we’d been standing together drinking beer, when the other guy made the dubious and drunken decision to put his arm around me. What happened next was awful, confusing, and I wanted it to stop. But I’m not going to lie: Part of me was turned on.

Here was a guy protecting my honor, placing himself into bodily harm on my behalf. It was what I had dreamt of all those years when I read of dueling pistols and men of great action and few words.

Das der Beschützer als attraktiv wahrgenommen wird, dass ist evolutionär verständlich. Gerade, wenn er dann noch deutlich macht, dass er es auch tatsächlich mit einem anderen Mann aufnehmen kann.

After the punching finally stopped, Anton walked up to me shirtless and sweaty, caked with blood and dirt, his arms outstretched in an unmistakable gesture of victory. But what I mistook for a smile was actually a grimace. “What were you doing talking to that guy?” he asked. “Did I tell you you could talk to him?!”

Suddenly, I wished my women’s studies professor from Sarah Lawrence were there. Pistols at dawn seemed a ludicrous symbol of male egotism, and I longed for men in tailored suits, who solved arguments with Woody Allen jokes and New Yorker references. But then Anton hugged me, heat and sweat rising from his torso, his arms wrapped around me in a promise of eternal protection, inhaling me in that way men do to show they’re grateful that you’re safe.

Da treffen anscheinend zwei Welten zusammen: Sie misst dieser Form der direkten Auseinandersetzung und des für sie Einstehens einen hohen Wert, also einen gewissen Status zu, und insofern macht es sie an. Eine andere Frau hätte dann wieder anderes angemacht und sie hätte das körperlich werden vielleicht als primitiv angesehen. Dennoch zeichnet sie eben ein sehr klassisches Bild.

The second thing you’ll notice is that Russian men are patriarchal alpha males, and, whatever your feminist textbook might have told you, this is initially a huge turn-on. Evolutionary theorists and Freudians alike would argue that women are subconsciously attracted to men who give off signs that they will provide for them. And when I say “provide,” I don’t even necessarily mean in a monetary sense as much as in a paternal one. This sense that they are obligated to look out for you, not because you’re weaker or feeble-minded, but because you — as the fountain from which life springs forth — are precious and valuable.

Der Alpha Mann, der gleichzeitig Bindung zeigt, also Attraction und Komfort bedient, ist nicht unsonst ein sehr attraktives Modell. Das gibt es in verschiedenen kulturellen Ausformungen und sie scheint mir eine davon zu beschreiben, die in der russischen Kultur praktiziert wird.

You do not meet a Russian man, you are chosen by one. You could be sitting in a banya, or at a café, and a man walks by, puts a fruit salad on your table, and gruffly says, “Enjoy.” If you eat the salad, it is a sign that you would like him to come talk to you. If you don’t eat it the salad, it doesn’t matter, because you have been chosen and he will still come talk to you since your compliance in the whole matter is largely unnecessary. In big cities, it’s not uncommon for a man to just run up to you in the street and say, “Devushka, may I make your acquaintance?” in the manner of a really pushy 19th century nobleman.

Auch wieder eine gänzlich andere Perspektive als im Feminismus mit seiner Verteufelung von Männlichkeit: Ein entsprechendes Verhalten kann eben – wenn gleich nur von dem passenden Mann – als attraktiv angesehen werden.

While all men like a challenge, the average American man tends to stop pursuit once you indicate that you are repulsed by his presence. Russians, on the other hand, aren’t going to let a little thing like your disinterest keep them from being your boyfriend. I’ve had male suitors who kept calling for years after I stopped picking up the phone. I’ve heard of guys crawling through windows and appearing naked in bedrooms. I had female friends who had no idea they were apparently someone’s girlfriend. The American teachers at my language school had a phrase to describe dating Russian men. It was  “No Means Yes, and Yes Means Anal.

Klingt etwas nach einer Scheiß-egal-Haltung und dem nicht akzeptieren einer Zurückweisung.

Not surprisingly, the attitude toward rape in Russia is still depressingly medieval. “It happens. That’s life,” my mother would say with a shrug as she heard about a recent rape victim on the news. However — and here’s where we have to be honest with ourselves and admit that the popularity of bodice-ripper romances and all the statistics about rape fantasies are not for nothing — with the right guy, a sensually brutish approach can be astoundingly hot.


Das Vergewaltigungsfantasien eine gewisse Erotik für viele Frauen haben – auch wenn sie nicht vergewaltigt, sondern eher von dem richtigen Mann überwältigt werden wollen, war ja hier schon mal Thema:

Das führt sie im Folgenden weiter aus:

While I am all for slow, sensual, Barry White lovemaking, there comes a point with a sweet and simple Westerner when all the “Do you need a pillow?” “Does that hurt” “Would you like a glass of water?” questioning makes me wants to scream This isn’t a dinner party. You’re not writing an essay. Just let go. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman wants a man who’s a gentleman at dinner and an animal in bed. You want to completely transcend the cognitive prison and corporeal self in which we are always encased, becoming nothing but senses. This the Russian man understands. He leaves behind any semblance of propriety, responding only to primal urges, losing himself in you entirely. Of course, the major downside of this caveman treatment is that Russian men still follow the egotistical “sex is a favor that women do for men” mentality (i.e., it’s still not customary for Russian men to perform oral sex, although they will expect it), treating female sexuality like it’s something that only afflicts nymphomaniacs.

Dies als „universell akzeptierte Wahrheit“ darzustellen wäre mal interessant als Punkt in einer Debatte um „Yes means Yes“ und andere Hinterfragungen von Männlichkeit.

Der Sex klingt dann aber im zweiten Teil auch nicht mehr so gut.

Sie schränkt es dann auch im Folgenden etwas ein:

It’s important to emphasize that this brand of chauvinism isn’t the abhorrent “shut up and make me a sandwich” kind but more along the lines of old-fashioned chivalry, which is why Russian men are quintessential gentlemen on first dates. Russians like to make occasions out of everyday rites, so men will make gestures to convey that going on a date with you is a special event in their lives. They bring flowers and little gifts (I have an entire hideous gold animal menagerie from a previous Russian admirer). They open the door for you and pull out your chair. They ask if you’re getting enough water and vigilantly top off your wine (as a woman, you never ever pour wine). They tie your shoes for you if they see your laces are loose. They always, always pay, proudly frisbeeing their credit cards at the bill, idly chatting and signing the check without even looking at it. In Russia, having a man pay for you obligates you to absolutely nothing, just as having him walk you home means absolutely nothing (Note: the latter is not the case in England). It’s just him doing what he needs to do, as a man, to take care of you, a woman. And before you start crying out sexism, what’s worse? To pay for a woman because women are less economically advantaged, or to pay for a woman’s meal and believe it entitles you to sex, as so many men do in the West?

Es ist letztendlich der Appeal der konservativen Geschlechterrollen: Er macht deutlich, dass ihm etwas an ihr liegt, beschenkt sie, zahlt für sie als wäre es nichts und selbstverständlich (costly Signals lassen grüßen), schenkt ihr nach, umsorgt sie. Und das alles eben eingebettet in die klassischen Geschlechterrollen, der Mann als Versorger, Beschützer, die Frau als Umsorgte.

More enticing than any of these old-fashioned gestures, however, is a Russian man’s body language. I get offended when I go on a “date” with an American guy, and after nothing but sterile conversation and hanging out for a few hours, he lunges at my face like a pre-pubescent. Russian men act like your boyfriend from the very beginning. They put their hand on the nape of your back as they gently lead you to the table. They stroke your arm as they carefully lay their coat on your shoulders even though you told them you’re not cold. They hold you, caressing your hair and kissing you on the forehead, putting their arms around you in a way that lets every other man in the universe know that you are his girl. Not only does this build up the tension to the first kiss and establish a strong sense of intimacy before it happens, these gestures reinforce the sense that affection and sex go hand in hand, that this unique bond that you’ve embarked on obligates you to one another in some way.

Also Verbindlichkeit, die mit einer Selbstverständlichkeit vorgebracht wird. Das bedient über die Selbstverständlichkeit und die damit zum Ausdruck gebrachte Sicherheit, dass sie das auch will, sexuelle Anziehung, zum anderen bedient es Komfort, indem die Werbungsphase übersprungen wird und direkt eine Beziehung und die damit verbundene Vertrautheit simuliert und vorausgesetzt wird.

Which brings me to one of the best and worst things about dating a Russian man: his inherent sense of commitment. Here in the West, we may think we have it made with our “egalitarian system,” but when I look around at our hyper-individualized relationships, at our “you’re not obligated to anyone in any way” mentality, it seems brutal and barbaric. In New York, whenever I console a friend who’s in hysterics over yet another guy who wants to keep having sex but “just wants to be friends,” I can’t help but get enraged and want to call up one of my Russian friends for moral support. Russian doesn’t have a word for girlfriend, only wife and bride, so men approximate by saying “my girl,” “my bride,” or the English transliteration of girlfriend.

Das zeigt eigentlich ganz gut, dass unverbindlicher Sex häufig eher die Waagschale zugunsten der Männer verschiebt, zumindest gewisser Männer, die bei Frauen erfolgreich sein. Diese kommen häufig besser als Frauen mit „Sex einfach so“ zurecht und sehen keinen Grund für eine Beziehung – der Preis für Sex ist gesunken, weil er nicht mehr per se in einen Beziehungsrahmen eingebunden ist

But there isn’t any close approximation of “friends-with-benefits”– a term I often struggled to deconstruct to groups of confused Russian males. It is telling, in this context, that the Russian translation of Hollywood movies “Friends with Benefits” and “No Strings Attached” are “Sex Without Obligations” and “Just Because He Promises to Marry You Doesn’t Mean He Will.” How can you be friends with a girl you’re sleeping with? If you’re having sex, she’s your girlfriend, simply because your decision to sleep with her makes you in large part responsible for her physical and emotional well-being. And when I’m trying to cheer up some of my casual sex victims who can’t even telephonically reach their super-autonomous beaus, I can’t help but feel like there’s a certain honor in the Russian man’s understanding that with great sex comes great responsibility, an ethical code that we in the West have almost totally lost.

Ich habe meine Zweifel, dass alle russischen Männer das tatsächlich so sehen, kann mir aber vorstellen, dass es in einer konservativeren Gesellschaft durchaus noch ein höheres Gut ist. Das ihr das entgegenkommt, weil Sex plötzlich wieder etwas besonderes ist, dass kann ich mir vorstellen.

And yet, the rush to commit comes with a catch. As in most chauvinistic societies, monogamy is more of a lofty ideal than a requirement, and there is a double standard to it. I can’t recall the number of times I was sitting in a café in Russia when a girl came in to see her friend and said, “Sorry I’m late. My boyfriend cheated on me,” to which her friend rolled her eyes and said, “Again? When is he going to kick that habit?” as though they were talking about him failing to put down the toilet seat. I posed a question once to my Western and Russian friends: Is it more disrespectful to have casual sex with a girl and not call her your girlfriend, or call her your girlfriend and cheat? The Westerners said the latter, as though it were obvious, the Russian ones said the former, as if that were obvious. Having experienced both, I really don’t know anymore, although I respect the way one of my Russian friends explained it, in a sort of Sartrian epistemology: “Listen, human nature is fucked up. It’s more honest, and more humane, to just lie.”

Das passt nicht so ganz zusammen, sofern man nicht davon ausgeht, dass die russischen Männer dann auch diese anderen Frauen lieben und parallele Beziehungen führen. Was ja durchaus sein kann. Mit irgendwelchen Frauen müssen die Männer sie ja betrügen.

In the end, it’s not the wandering penis that makes me incapable of making it work with a Russian guy. It’s the precise patriarchal style that I find so attractive in the first place. It’s them never respecting that I have my own schedule and that I can’t exist exclusively around their time frame. It’s them calling me every hour to check up on where I am and what I ate, like a needy parole officer. It’s them taking a cup of coffee out of my hands as I’m about to sip it, chucking it into the trash, and saying, “That’s enough. You’ve had too much caffeine today.” I may have been born in Russia, and I may have two passports, but I grew up in New York, and no one gets between me and my coffee.

Der „wandernde Penis“ wäre also okay? Es ist aber interessant, dass sie einen Widerspruch zwischen ihrem Begehren und den Folgen dieses Verhaltens sieht, was deutlich macht, dass dieses Begehren eben nicht logisch entsteht, sonder eine Folge unterbewußter Vorgänge ist. Insofern kann man dieses Begehren auch hervorrufen ohne, dass die negativen Seiten vorhanden sein müssen, hier können bestimmte Ausprägungen aber durchaus kulturell entstehen, weil sie gut miteinander vereinbar sind: Eine „Scheißegal-Haltung“ kann sexy sein, aber es bedeutet eben auch, dass er sie einem selbst gegenüber zeigen kann. Nicht aufgeben bei einer Frau und davon ausgehen, dass sie einen will kann sexy sein, aber es kann eben auch dazu führen, dass er andere Projekte auch weiterverfolgt etc

And still, sometimes, when I’m in my egalitarian relationship with an American guy, and I’m freezing my ass off in a mini-skirt outside while being eyeballed by some pervert and my boyfriend is giving me the “You’re an independent woman and you can handle this yourself” look, I can’t help but long for the protective paws of a Russian man, can’t help but feel torn between what I learned at my feminist university and what I grew up with in my patriarchal community, can’t help but feel an internal battle between my rational beliefs and my emotional desires, and I think what every person thinks when they are frustrated with their love life: Man, my parents really fucked me up.


Es sind nur zum Teil ihre Eltern, ein anderer Teil ist eben, dass sie aus evolutionären Gründen für bestimmte Signale empfänglich ist und zudem kulturell eine gewisse Toleranz für deren schlechte Seiten sowie eine Akzeptanz für die „guten“ erworben hat.

Dennoch ein interessanter Einblick. Das sie patriarchale Männer anziehen und sie Männer die zu sehr auf Gleichheit ausgerichtet sind, gerade nicht ansprechen, hört man ja immer wieder auch aus dem Feminismus.

Nur leider wird es nicht in die Theorie eingebunden.